Dear Jimmy, me old mate, Thanks for not fixing it for me back in 1974, when I wrote a 200 page begging letter asking to meet the Bay City Rollers. I am now 44 and have realised they are shit!!, my dad was right after all. So this time no begging letter, but Fix me up with George Clooney, Robbie Williams and Brad Pitt, all at once!!! And I\'ll forgive your last indiscretion.
thanks, Luscious Buttocks, aged Too old, Over here

Dear Jim, I saw you at St James' Hospital in Leeds the other day, looking old and sad. Can you fix it for me to reverse time so that you actually read the damn letter I sent you when I was ten. (P.S I wanted to make the worlds largest Pie.)
thanks, Horace, aged 32, Leeds

Dear Jim, Please can you fix it for me to have a pair of camouflage trousers? I\'ve been trying to buy some but I just can\'t seem to find any. Also, if you could fix it for those pineapple chunks you get in male public toilets to taste a bit better, that\'d be appreciated.
thanks, Rufus Van Tootles, aged 25 and a half, The corner

dear jim bob, please could u fix it for me to see a lion to eat another lion because i just want to know if liions can tell the difference between normal meat and meat from thier own kind.
thanks, bob scholes, aged 22, yeoville

Dear Jimmel, please could you fix my private parts i was born an inter sex baby i have a little cock and a little pussy i need some corrective treatment.p.s can you find out if i am supposed to marry a man or a woman as i have a cock and a pussy surly i am gay in both situations?
thanks, paddy pascoe, aged 10005, lala land

Dear Jim, Can you pplease fix it for me to finish my 3rd year university degree project. I have to make a buggy go around the areana, and then pick up red bull cans. I have two weeks left to finish it in and there are a lot of problems with it! Please please please Jim, can you fix it for me to finish my project. Best wishes Andy
thanks, Andy, aged 22, Bristol

dear Jim. Could you fix it for me to have an afternoon with my mates playing football on the school grounds, making a rope swing, bombing round the street on our home made bikes with odd wheels and no brakes, then go to the shops and have a Panda pop or a Jubbly to cool us down. I havent done any of these things since I got older and discovered women, alcohol, mortgages, a career and bieng a parent. Hope you can help.
thanks, mark shepherd, aged 42, Manchester

Dear Jim I get up in the morning and have sex with my wife, when I get to work my secretary gives me a blow job, and then at coffee I have the receptionist doggie style over the photocopier. In the afternoon the tea lady gives me a blow job then I go home and give the wife another rodding. Please can you fix it Jim so it doesnt hurt when I have a wank in the shower before I go to bed. Thanks, Micheal, from Belgium, aged 26

Fix me up Jim jim, i cant stand the sight of gobby old pensioners could you just shoot them, or place them in vats of dildos please. Ace Jones, Stroud, aged 60

Dear "jimmy jim jim me lad" saville I really want to be an astronaut but have no legs or arms. seeing as i would need to pilot the shuttle i was wondering if you could turn me into some kind of jesus zombie so i can make myself arms and legs out of naan bread. i want to be on the moon
too old for you baby. Cheers, Alex Walker, from Winstone, Aged 32

Dear Jim, I WANT TO BE A PLAYBOY BUNNY. I am fat and ugly and I know i\'d be great. My cellulite is spiralling outta control and i successfully eating myself into obesity. Please let the world see me and my beautiful body... I am ginger.
Catty Filou, from hull 36

Dear Jim, Many years ago I wrote to you asking if I could meet Donny Osmond, he was the most gorgeous man in the world to me. It was my dream to meet Donny face to face and in my mind, without a doubt, he would have fallen in love with me and whisked me off to a life of fame and holding hands. The fact that I was only 8 years old wouldn't have mattered of course. Well, you didn't fix it for me and now I don't want him anymore. I would now like you to fix it for me to meet George Clooney, there'd be no holding hands this time though! I'd want to sit on his face and enjoy his tongue till I reached orgasm, oil up my tits and give him a tit wank with my ample breasts, then tie him up and sexually abuse him till he can take no more. Please please please fix it for me this time Jim, for Georges sake and mine. Many thanks, Lorraine
L orraine from Essex, aged 36

Dear Jim

You say that this site is for comedy purposes only? Are you saying that all the situations written about here are completly fictious and for comedy purposes only? You dissapointed me. I was about to ask you to fix something for me (with George Clooney also, not his tongue as the other pervert woman wrote, but with his scrotum, i.e., with the pouch of skin enclosing the testicles in most male mammals - George Clooney is a male mammals, ins't him?) But why do I need a fictious meeting with George Clooney? I speak some Italian and I've fucked more Italian than anybody else out of Italy.Is somebody out there to fix George for me ?No, not George Bush, your animal, fix George Clooney in a bush for me.
thanks,

Regia, a Latin, bella latin, aged 28,38, Brazil in UK

Cheers,

mark.harrison, aged 30, sheffield

Dear Jimmell, Could you please fix it for me to become one with my nice gran. I dearly love her and would like her hand in marriage please. She cooks me gingerbread furbys and liquid salt-peters. The police-people say no to this, but I know you'll understand Jimmy.

Thanks you.
Cresley Bwanna, aged 70 from Moss Side

dear jim please may you fix it so my boyfriend can watch dwarf porn for a living as he has fantasies about naked dwarffs in shell suites ?

thanku
lisa big boobs, aged 19 1/2 peterborough

DEAR "JIM" WELL I AM LIVING IN BARCELONA AT MOMENT (i am from england "Hull")with the misses,well i need your help to buy enough wood to board her fuckin mouth up,As she is from ecuador (South America)and we do have a lovely son together so she belives i should "Bow" down to her all the f*ckin time...ALLTERNATIVELY i am rather good looking and i would love to have a nice young 18 year old to screw my "nads" in to space as i am 31 years old i am started to feel the need to concrete my misses feet in concrete i buy a shot gun and blow her f*ckin tits off,so you see jim i am more in need then all the other requests as i need another woman...regards and coments to me at keiththebeast@yahoo.co.uk 25/1/2004 thanks.
thanks, keith "From HULL", aged 31, barcelona

Dear Jim, could you please fix it for me to appear in an all new version hit 1980's comedy smash Duty Free, as a hapless holiday tourist apparently permanently trapped in the Costa del Sol. p.s. could Natalie Imbruglia please play the part of the lass with grey hair.

Yours sincerely Eduard Soave Jackson, aged, 25 from Sunderland

Dear Jimmy, You probably never saw my letter dated 13th February 1988. You were probably wrestling for Somalian refugees or polishing your gold plated rolls royce. Let me see if this jog's your memory....'Dear Jimmy, please can you fix it for me to help the Police arrest my daddy. He beats me and mummy and sells pictures of me with no clothes on to his friends down the pub. Please protect me because I don't love him anymore.....'. You fucker, look at me now, fresh out of my 9th care home, I've grown up as a bearded recluse and only venture into public places at the crack of dawn to slash pathetically with my butchers knife at female joggers on clapham common....with my cock out. I\'m f*cked Jimmy....F*CKED. Kind Regards, Jamie.
thanks, Jamie Garrett, aged 24, london

Your letter was only the start of it, one letter and now you're a part of it,
Now you've done it, Jim has fixed for it you, and you and you.

There must be something that you always want to do, the one thing that you always wanted to,

Now you've done it, Jim has fixed it for you, and you and you and you

Jim has fixed it for you, and you and you and you-ou-ou.

























Your letter was only the start of it, one letter and now you're a part of it,
Now you've done it, Jim has fixed for it you, and you and you.

There must be something that you always want to do, the one thing that you always wanted to,

Now you've done it, Jim has fixed it for you, and you and you and you

Jim has fixed it for you, and you and you and you-ou-ou.